I have moved Patty in with me. Though it didn't really take much considering she only packed her clothes. She left her major belongings and furniture for Serena to keep until we figured out what was going to happen with Patty, me and the baby.
I surprised Patty today with a few items for the nursery.
It was a bit of a 'welcome home' gift to make her feel more comfortable at moving in with me. I thought she'd enjoy it and realize my sincerity in wanting to be a part of this.
She didn't have much to say, really. A lop-sided and almost wistful smile graced her face but her thank-you was not completely heart-felt. I know this baby threw her plans for a music career out the window. She just barely got promoted before getting pregnant. I try to understand why she's so despondent during her pregnancy, when it has made me feel like I have some chance at redemption.
To Patty, this baby means no more partying, sleeping around and drinking. To me, this baby meant a chance to prove that I survived being marooned for a reason; that I was washed up on this island by something bigger than myself. I believe that a part of this is Fate's doing.
The one thing I wish I could have done was save Gertie the grief and heart-ache I've caused her. When I did get around to telling her, I was blunt about it. I am not always eloquent, I cannot know the right things to say all the time. And so when I sat her down on the sofa, I took her hand and simply said: "Gertie, Patty has told me she's pregnant."
"And . . . it's yours, I presume?"
I nodded, swallowed the lump in my throat and said, "Indeed, yes. I asked that she live with me through the duration of the pregnancy so I could help her out financially. I also want a chance at being a part of this baby's life. Patty struggles with the idea of adoption, but I don't want that. I never imagined a child of mine to be without me."
Gertie looked shocked, like a bucket of ice-cold water had been thrown in her face. She looked away from me a moment, and removed her hand from beneath mine. "I see," she murmured.
"Gertie I . . ." I fought for words. "I don't love Patty. But neither is it fair of me to let her worry about all of this on her own. I'm party to this as much as she."
"Then couldn't you just give her money?"
It was no secret to Gertie that I had begun quite a nest-egg before Patty informed me of her pregnancy. "I don't want to do that. I'm not sure if I trust her with money and I don't want her to know just how much I've tucked away." I paused a moment, looked down at my hands, at calloused fingers that had seen much labor. I imagined that in just a few months there would be a baby there. The thought thrilled and scared me all at once.
"Truth be told Gertie, despite circumstances involved, I want to be a father."
There was a world of silence, and it was deafening in it solemnity.
"Then do not expect me to wait for you, Tom Calico." Gertie's voice was soft, and I could tell she was holding tears at bay.
"But Gertie, I don't want to be with Patty forever. This is only for a few months." I began to panic a little at the thought of loosing Gertie.
She looked up at me then, tears caught in her blond lashes, eyes glistening with tears. "No, Tom. Taking on this child is not just for a few months - it's forever. Just because Patty won't be living with you beyond a certain point, what about that child? Who will it be with?"
I hadn't thought beyond the birth and the here and now. But I didn't want Patty to take the child away from me.
"You are doing what you think is best, I will not sway you on that. Your mind is made up. But I want home and family too, Tom. And I will not pine away for you until you're ready to have me in your life again."
And then I knew - Gertie was already lost to me. And just as she could not persuade me on forgetting about my responsibility to Patty and the baby, I could not persuade her to put her life on hold. I didn't know what the future held, but it seemed it would not entail Gertie.
Before I left Gertie's home, she did say something of promise to me that I don't think I shall ever forget:
"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it,"
~Tom Calico, Captain of my own Destiny
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