Chapter 17: Lost In The Tempest

Captain's Log -

When the keel of a ship is parallel with the horizon, a ship is said to be upon an even keel.  And sailing with a tailwind speeding you on to your destination, clear skies and good weather are tantamount to sailing success.  This is, by all accounts, how every ship would wish to travel.

But I feel like a ship who is verging on capsize, fighting a headwind that continuously blows me off course, my destination no longer clear, my spirit ravaged by a storm that will not cease.

Patty is that storm, and I founder in the onslaught of her tumult.

Gertie once said to me, "A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."

I feel that with the on-going fights with Patty that I'm loosing sight of my destiny - If I even have one.  I think sometimes, Gertie must have been wrong.  My destiny was on the Mistral and I was meant to die that day with my fellow men.  But I thwarted that by abandoning ship.  

Although I agreed to let Patty stay until further notice, it has not made our living situation any easier.  It has, I think, compounded it.  

We fight on a nearly day to day basis.  Some fights simple nagging, others more so.  It inevitably leads to me accusing her of abandoning her child, because the moment I get home, Patty leaves me alone with Una.  I don't mind my time with Una, but I do mind that Patty still seems to show no care that I don't have time to myself.

She has also picked up work again.  Our schedules conflict only in the sense that we never see each other.  When I get home from work in the afternoon, Patty heads off to the theater to meet up with the band she manages.  I get passed Una and she goes on her way.  But even on her days off, Patty takes herself out to be with whomever she wants.  

Most days, we pass each other in and out the door with nary a word, mostly speaking looks of mutual discord and the body language that says so much more.

Today, however, upon getting home I was astounded to see that Patty was still in her nightclothes.  It had been weeks since seeing her thus.
"What's wrong, you sick?"
Fighting tears, Patty said ,"Rahul broke up with me,"
I thought for a moment, "Rahul Patel?" I asked out of curiosity.  I had no real sympathy for her.

"You know him?" Patty sniffed, wiping her nose.
"Not really, but I know who you speak of." I answered, "So you're not going out for once?"
Patty's chin rose and she set her shoulders despite her tears.  "Maybe I am.  What's it to you, anyway?"
I bit my tongue on the words I wanted to say.  And sick of the fighting, I turned my back to Patty.  Just looking at her upset me.

"Well aren't you going to say something snarky to me?" Patty asked testily.  "Aren't you going to rub it in how I got what was coming to me?  Well?" Her voice began to rise with each word.
"No Patty, you've apparently told yourself that enough." I replied, took a deep breath to stay calm.  I fought the urge to tell her so much more.  I was tired of living in turmoil with her.  I was tired of fighting and I was tired of her ups and downs - mostly downs.
"No matter," Patty sniffed again, "I'll just bide my time here until Rahul wants me back.  Because he will, you know.  He'll come back." Patty seemed to be trying to convince herself more than me, but that did nothing for my temper.
"Don't count on it, Patty.  I doubt anyone could handle you right now." I scoffed bitterly.
"And what's that supposed to mean?" she demanded, her ire rising.
I whirled on her then, intentions of staying calm completely forgotten.  "You're a walking demolition, Patty!  You've made a mess out of my life and you've made a mess out of your own in the process!"

I threw up my hands, "Why are you still here?  Why don't you just go?  I'm tired of supporting you and your depression and whatever the Hell you've got going on outside of me and Una."
Patty seemed to want to break in and say something but I shushed her, "No, listen Patty.  I'm done!  Just get your stuff and get out.  Go make up with Rahul, invest all your time in your precious music career that you want, neglect your daughter for all I care.  But do it on your own.  I'm not supporting you on it anymore."
Patty's face was flushed.  No doubt, I embarrassed her with my blunt words.  But surely she knew they had been true.  She looked down at her feet, said nothing for a moment, then:
"Fine.  I don't need you anymore.  I'll pack our things once Una wakes up."
"Oohh, no, no, no.  I don't think so, Patty. You're not taking Una away from me.  You'll only use her as bait to get money out of me.  And I can care for Una better than you."
"But I'm her mother, I gave birth to her!" Patty pressed a tight fist to her chest.

I shook my head at Patty.  "You're not getting her." I said simply, confidently.
Patty huffed, "Fine! But don't expect me to pay you money in exchange.  You'll never get a dime out of me!"
I couldn't help but laugh.  I had enough money saved to do all I needed to take care of Una without Patty's help.  And I wouldn't want it even if I needed anyway.  "Oh, please.  You ought to know me enough by now to know that I'd not ask for a penny from you." I gave her a scorning once-over.

"Then it's settled, I'm out of here."
Patty never did wait for Una to wake from her nap.  She packed her things quietly, never disturbing Una's sleep.  When she closed up her suitcase, pulled it off the bed, she never once looked at Una.  Never hesitated to leave the room, never kissed her baby's cheek.
I stood in the doorway of the bedroom, agog at Patty's capacity to shut out emotions.  Had she ever cared for Una?
Patty breezed by me with suitcase in hand.  She never said a word, walked out the door and that was the end.

~Tom Calico

Chapter 16: Trouble In Paradise

Captain's Log -

I finally confronted Patty yesterday with my concerns for her, but my timing wasn't what I had hoped for.  It happened when I first got home from work, I encouraged her to go relax and take a bath to get away.  Patty readily handed off  Una, saying that she needed to be burped, and headed off to our bedroom.

I snuggled Una to my chest, giving her little back pats and walked the living room with her.  I could hear the bath water running mutedly.

When Patty came out of the bedroom about an hour later, she surprised me by having gotten dressed.  Una was napping, and I had just sat down to read when Patty came out to slip on her shoes.

"Thanks for letting me shower, I'm going to head out.  Do you want me to bring anything home later?"

"Where are you going?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.

"I'm meeting up with someone at the dive bar," she replied, not directly looking at me, "But don't worry, " she added hastily, "I'll be back before it gets too late."

I rubbed the back of my neck, "Meeting someone?" I hedged, gently.

"Well yeah," Patty's tone held a defensive note to it.  She took a step back from me and met my gaze, "Yes Tom, I'm meeting someone."

I didn't have to ask exactly "who" this was.  Although I didn't know who she spoke of exactly, I knew this person wasn't Serena, her sister nor any of her friends.  If it were them, she would have simply said.  But I knew she referred to some man.

"Ho there," I spread my arms out in supplication, "Why do you feel compelled to go dating right now?  I would be glad to take you out, you've never told me you wanted to go out."

Patty frowned sorrowfully at me, "Tom, I want to go out - with someone else, someone I've been missing since . . ." her words faded and she had the audacity to blush.
"Since you got pregnant?" I offered in smart retort.  Her words about wanting to see someone else other than me made my blood run hot in my veins.  I don't love Patty, but that doesn't mean that my pride isn't wounded.  I've felt a form of loyalty to her as well because she had my child.  I gave up my relationship with Gertie because of her, I lost the one thing that had been my sole purpose in life.  In truth, I felt (and still feel) like I gave up everything for her, for Una.  She didn't seem to care to give me the same respect and this infuriated me.
"Patty this is ridiculous.  You've wallowed in this house, cried your share of tears in front of me and no doubt when I'm not here. And what's nearly worse is you won't talk to me.  I've tried as best I know how to help you but you shove me away.  And now . . . now you're going out with someone else? It hasn't been easy living with you, you know! It's been just as much a chore for me to come home after work and take care of a daughter you don't seem to have any interest in once I'm home.  I haven't necessarily had a blast in all this either. In fact, the only thing keeping me sane is that baby," I pointed behind me to the door.
Patty heaved a sigh, "Tom, don't get angry at me.  We haven't slept with each other - and I mean really slept with each other since I moved in.  And you said you weren't looking to settle down.  Well, neither am I and there's someone important to me that I want to see tonight.  I don't want to waste away here day after day taking care of a baby.  That's something you're better at.  So you stay here with Baby and let me get a break."
The way she said 'baby' like it was a sour taste in her mouth, and not even using her name made me snap. "Her name's Una!  And she's your daughter and if you never wanted her, you shouldn't have gotten pregnant."
Patty gasped, "That's a two-way street, Captain Calico!" she shouted back, taunting me with that ridiculous nick-name. "And no, I wasn't ready to have her - I'm still not!"
I threw up my hands, "Then what's keeping you here?"

Silence, and then I could hear Una begin to cry.  No doubt our raised voices had startled her.  

Patty's eyes sprung tears and her bottom lip trembled.  "I don't know anymore," her voice trembled.

My anger spent, my feelings raw, we stood in stalemate.  I didn't know what to say to her, nor her to me.  

Una's cries picked up momentum and that reminded me of my responsibility as a father.  I don't know why it didn't seem to remind Patty of her responsibility as a mother.  She stood firmly, almost as if she didn't hear Una crying, but I know she did.

"Go, then," was all I said, as I turned my back on her and headed for the bedroom.  I heard the door click dully in it's lock in Patty's parting.

My night with Una dragged.  As if she felt my anger and bottled emotions, she fussed through the evening.  She didn't take her bottles with the gusto she normally showed, she didn't want to be laid in her crib, but holding her and swaying with her didn't really make her feel better either.

I racked my brain for songs, but the only ones I knew didn't seem to be appropriate for a baby's ears.  I cannot remember the songs my mother sang if she had ever sung to me when I was young.  Not for the first time, I wished my mother hadn't died, that I had her guidance in this as I so desperately needed.

When Una finally gave up her own fight and fell asleep in my arms, I breathed a sigh of relief and laid her in her crib.  I kissed her warm cheek, tussled the tuft of hair that was beginning to spike from her head and decided to head to bed myself.

My head pounded with questions.  Was Patty coming back or did she walk out for good?  How would I care for Una when I had to work?  And if Patty came back, what could we say to each other?  I knew I wasn't prepared to apologize yet.

I didn't know I had ever fallen asleep until I sensed someone in the room.  The quiet shuffling and the telltale scent of acrid cigarette smoke made me realize Patty had come back after all.  I didn't open my eyes as I listened to her quietly change into her pajamas.

I was surprised when I felt the bed dip and Patty climb into bed beside me.  She sidled close, I wouldn't necessarily say she cuddled, and she whispered in my ear. "Tom?"

I debated about ignoring her and feigning sleep.  Curiosity won out. "What?" I whispered back.

A pause, she even held her breath.  "Let me stay a little longer,"

Longer? How long? Long enough for her to make plans, I suppose.  And what about the arguing? Would it stop, could things get better know that our end was in sight?  And what about Una?

"Tom?" Patty whispered.

I took a deep breath through my nose, and blew it out slowly through my mouth. "Fine, Patty." I said defeat.  

Though I was beyond tired, questions plagued me through the night.  My sleep was infrequent and broken up with dreams of life without Una, life with Gertie, my fear in loosing Una, but my peace with Patty gone . . . things that could have been but never will be . . .

~Tom Calico

Chapter 15: Quiet Before The Storm

Captain's Log -

Patty's in a bad state.  I am unsure how to help her as she says nothing to me and shrugs off my attempts to talk to her.  I came home from work today to find her still in her nightclothes and crying in the kitchen.  

I had news to tell her I'd been promoted to the Vice Squad but the news never left my lips.  I was deflated to see her upset.

I tried to help her but she shook me off, saying that she didn't need me.  I am still hurt that she feels she can't talk to me - after all this time, after the birth of our child.

I'm beginning to resent allowing Patty to live with me, as well.  She doesn't seem to care to take care of herself and her surroundings.  I find myself wondering constantly when I'm working if Una's getting the care she needs.  Though admittedly, when I get home Una seems to be well enough, cooing and gnawing on her fingers in her crib.    

I hope things get back to normal when Patty goes back to work in a couple of months.  I know how dear her career was to her, so I hope that all the moping and tears is because she simply wants to get back to work.  I've heard of women having babies and getting sad in the aftermath, but this is something different.

I will hold my tongue, and keep quiet about my misgivings in Patty's emotional state.  But if she doesn't start making efforts to open up to me, I don't think we can pull through this state of living without hurting each other.    

~Tom Calico

Chapter 14: Patty's Birthday

Captain's Log -

Yesterday was Patty's birthday.  We celebrated at home, while Una napped.  It was nothing special, I fear.  Something I don't think Patty appreciated.  I think she may have wanted to get a babysitter and to have gone out to celebrate in earnest.
But Una was only a week old. Maybe I was too protective already, but I didn't want to leave Una to the care of just anyone.  So on my way home from work I bought a cake.

Once home, I unboxed the cake and set it down on the table.  Patty sidled up to me, she had just come from the bedroom where she said Una was napping.
I kissed Patty's cheek and wished her a Happy Birthday.  She didn't meet my gaze and said, "Thanks."
I don't know why she was so quiet, I could only assume she was upset that I wasn't taking her out.
When Una woke from her nap just after we cleaned up the cake, I went to get her from her crib.
I picked up the swaddled bundle with care, crooning to Una in comfort as she fretted and wiggled in my arms.  I held her to my chest and took her to the main room where I caught Patty slipping on a jacket at the front door.  She paused in her effort, her jacket half on, her eyes daring me to stop her.
"Where are you going?" I asked, feeling a little dumbfounded.
"Out," she replied curtly.
I heaved a sigh, trying to curb the simmering frustration. "What about Una?"
As if in response, Una fretted even louder in my arms.  I began to bounce her a little in my arms.
"You're home now, there's a bottle in the fridge.  I'm going out with my sister to celebrate my birthday."
Patty's tone brooked no argument.  She grabbed her purse and walked out the door.  She didn't even say good bye.
I fought the urge to run after Patty and force her to explain to me why she felt compelled to party when she had a new-born at home.  Anger seized upon me, red-hot and swift.
Only Una's cries of hunger reminded me of my bigger responsibility of the moment.  I fed Una, burped her, changed her soiled diapers, talked to her and cuddled her close.
But in the back of my mind burned the questions of why Patty left so abruptly and had never told me she had made her own plans for her birthday.
I tried waiting up or her, I had planned to talk to her but by the time she came home, I had given up and gone to bed.
I only remember her sidling up to me in bed, cuddling me when she hadn't before in all the time she'd lived here.  I could only presume she'd drunk herself into some kind of stupor.  I ignored her, feigned sleep and not long after she settled in bed behind me, she began to snore.
I fear this might only be the beginning of our problems.

~Tom Calico

Chapter 13: Bringing Home Baby

Captain's Log -

Patty was released from the hospital the next day, with little Una in tow.  After having such a smooth delivery, the doctor found no reason why Patty and Una could not come home.

I was overjoyed to have Una finally here.  Since Una was born on a Friday, I had the whole weekend to spend with her.  In that time, Patty enjoyed some personal time.  She got a little spa treatment and got a new hair cut.  She didn't spend much time with Una, but I didn't mind.  I enjoyed every minute with Una, I even got up in the night to feed her.
When I think back to my time at sea, to those long-ago pirate days, I never would have imagined myself here.  I never would have thought my destiny lay in a quiet living as a father.  I am at peace with the path that destiny sent me on.  I feel that peace every time I hold my daughter close.
~Tom Calico

Chapter 12: Birth of a Calico

Captain's Log -

Patty woke me in the night to tell me that her water broke and that she was having crippling contractions.

After a good bout of adrenaline-pumped attacks of nervousness, I asked Patty what I could do for her, if she wanted to go to the hospital, did she want me to help her with breathing, did she want to lay back down on the bed . . . . endless questions that wouldn't stop pouring from my blubbering mouth.

She eventually griped at me to shut up and to go back to bed, that I was no help at all.  She would wake me when the contractions got closer together to take her to the hospital.

I forced myself to lay back down, though I had the strongest urge to jump, hoot and run to burn off the burst of energy that assailed me.  I eventually snoozed in fits while Patty paced the house, gasping and grunting quietly every so often in pain. I kept an ear to her for the moment that she'd give in and call for me to drive her to the hospital.
Dawn was barely lighting the skies with the first blushes of light when Patty woke me and we headed to the hospital.  Before noon, our daughter was born.  When asked what name the child was to have, the nurses cleaning her and swaddling her, I turned to Patty who laid slack and damp with sweat in the aftermath of birth.  Her eyes were closed and I figured she either slept or ignored the nurses.
I thought for a moment of a name, a name that meant the world to me.  I thought the best name for a Calico girl would be after my own mother, who had died when I was a toddling child.
"Una," I said through the lump in my throat, "Her name is Una Calico,"
The nurses swept her away, the doctor tended to Patty and I slumped in a nearby chair, feeling as exhausted as if I had given birth myself.
Worries about Patty and I abated with the joy I felt in the birth of our child.  All I can think of is how I am officially a father.
I have a daughter.  I fine, healthy baby girl named Una.

~Tom Calico

Chapter 11: Trivial Matters

Captain's Log -
The days have been passing in quick succession for me.  Despite the excitement I feel at impending fatherhood and the adventure it will be for me, it has not made the days as slow and never-ending as I thought they would be.  Patty has lightened in spirit since moving in with me as well and I have caught her a few times playing light-heartedly.

Although she speaks so little about the impending birth, she seems happy.  She recently was discharged from work to enjoy some time off before having the baby.  Something that has given her a lot of free time on her hands.

Maybe too much time . . .

My birthday came and went, Patty and I celebrated quietly at home.  I left my twenties behind and welcomed being thirty, feeling like it was the proper stage in life to be a father.

Together, Patty and I ate the cake, talking of trivial things.  Weather and Barnacle Bay happenings other than our own were the safest topics.

It seems to me that we talk of anything but the impending baby.  Although I have never said it to her directly, I do believe that Patty fails to talk about her feelings about the baby because she doesn't really want it.  It is also why I feel that Patty has no care to know what gender the baby is.  Curiosity is eating me up to know what we're having, but Patty's adamant not to know.  So I gave in to her request to keep peace.
So most times, because all I want to talk about is the baby and all Patty doesn't want to talk about is the baby, we usually are in a stalemate as to what to talk about at all.
I wonder if it were Gertie sitting across from me if conversation would be as lacking.  It crosses my mind from time to time that Patty and I don't often have enough to say to each other, that maybe we let slip too many opportunities to say things we ought.

I worry about things between us after the baby comes.

~Tom Calico