Captain's Log -I love a serene night on the deck of the Mistral. I believe the hushing sounds of the waters washing over the side of a ship as it cuts through the miles of ocean is a peaceful sound. And sometimes at night, with the wind slapping and filling the sails, and the ocean water lapping at the hull, I think (just for a moment) that I hear angels sighing. I find a oneness with nature, with the spirit of the earth and I am whole.
I miss the peace that kind of quiet brings. I miss the simple life I had as a pirate and know now that I will never get it back.
So here I sit, at the cliffs of Barnacle Bay, mourning my loss. Mourning my home, for I will never see it again.
I have lost count of my time here in Barnacle Bay. Nor do I wish to count past entries to see how long it's been now. To do so, would only make me more melancholy. The past few months have been the best I've experienced in all my life. I truly adore Gertie, and I daresay I have come to love her. She is strong, sassy and infinitely precious to me. When I first stopped counting the days until I left Barnacle Bay, I didn't mind nor miss it. My heart considered Gertie 'Home'. I eventually stopped seeing Patty and Juliet, finding I liked the idea of being solely with Gertie.
And making those choices and continuing to court Gertie has given me a peace very similar to what I had once felt only at sea.
But today, that peace was shattered. Just before I left work, I got a phone call from Patty. She didn't say much, only that she missed me and was wondering if we could get together.
And 'getting together' or 'meeting up' with Patty was never just that. There was always something more, and I wasn't going to fall into that again. "Patty, I can't. I've made the choice to be with Gertie."
"I understand that, Tom. Really, I do. But I'd like to talk to you - seriously just talk."
She'd never called me by my given name before. It was always "Captain Calico' until we made it to the bedroom.
"For just awhile, I'm meeting up with Gertie so I don't have much time."
"I'll see you soon, then?"
I looked at my pocket watch, "Give me about fifteen minutes,"
"See you then," she replied, then hung up.
When I got to Patty's and knocked on her door, it took a moment for it to be answered. But when the door swung open, Patty opened it wide and tucked herself behind the door.
"Come on in," she gave me a hesitant but genuine smile.
I walked through the portal and turned to face Patty just as she closed the front door. She kept her back to me long after she'd closed the door behind me. I knew it wasn't just a friendly visit when she didn't turn to face me. And part of me knew what she was going to say, whenever she got around to saying it.
"I want you to know that I never meant for it to happen. It was an honest mistake," her voice cracked, but she still failed to face me.
I sighed, closed my eyes and thought of what I should say. After a long moment, I opened my eyes to see she was facing me now. The gentle swell of her belly confirmed what I feared. I felt as if the wind left my sails and I was trapped in a doldrum of fear and sadness.
"I'm sorry, Tom." she whispered, fighting back tears.
After another pause, all I could say was "I'm sorry too,"
Life is a precious thing, and sometimes it can be such a gift. But this was one gift I was intimidated by and I couldn't run from this. That fateful day on the Mistral when I jumped ship, I ran away and cheated Death and in turn received a chance to live again. Now, seeing Patty was giving life to our unborn child made me realize the sanctity of that gift. This child was my chance to live again.
"M-may I?" I reached out a hand toward her belly.
She nodded her consent and with slight hesitation, I put my hand on her tummy. I didn't feel anything, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel.
"What are your plans, Patty?"
She didn't need me to clarify, "I'll work as long as I can and then have the baby. And . . . then after, I didn't know what I'd do. That's why I wanted to tell you, I wanted to give you a choice in the matter."
"Let's keep it," I said. "I want to keep it. Do you know what you're having?"
Patty shook her head, "I didn't want to know in case I . . . gave it up for adoption."
I nodded my head, "Yeah, well . . . I don't want that." The idea of a child of mine living without me sat like soured grog in my stomach. "Come stay with me for awhile, let me take care of you and Baby. We'll sort this out together."
"But I'm happy here," Patty retorted.
I digested that, and thought about it. "I understand Patty, but I want to experience this too."
"What about Gertie?" she asked, arching a brown at me.
I scratched my jaw, pressed a hand to my temple. "I don't know, Patty. This," I motioned toward her stomach, "wasn't part of anyone's plans. But you don't earn enough to care for a child on your own so move in with me for awhile until we sort things out. I don't mean to come off as a cad, but I'm not proposing marriage here. I am asking that you move in with me to help save you the worries of money and to do my part in this. This is my fault, too."
I could see the tears in Patty's eyes, if they were relief or regret, I don't know. "Okay, Tom." she sniffed. "Give me til the end of the week and I'll come live with you."
I never did make it to Gertie's. I cried off, telling her I had I headache. I needed time alone to digest things, to think about what to do about . . . well, about everything.
I took a chair to the cliffs, getting as close to the sea as possible to feel the brine on my cheek and watch the stars over head. I've been here for hours, not quite resolved at the potential to loose Gertie. Neither am I resolved to let Patty take on the care of our child alone.
I don't love Patty, and I know she never really loved me. But if we respected each other enough, maybe we could make things work long enough to figure out what to do about the child.
But I know one thing - I 'm not going to let the opportunity to be a father pass me by. I will man up, be the captain I always wanted to be even though I have no ship to guide, and no crew to prepare the way. I will take charge of my life and make the best of it I can.
~Captain Tom Calico
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