Chapter 16: Trouble In Paradise

Captain's Log -

I finally confronted Patty yesterday with my concerns for her, but my timing wasn't what I had hoped for.  It happened when I first got home from work, I encouraged her to go relax and take a bath to get away.  Patty readily handed off  Una, saying that she needed to be burped, and headed off to our bedroom.

I snuggled Una to my chest, giving her little back pats and walked the living room with her.  I could hear the bath water running mutedly.

When Patty came out of the bedroom about an hour later, she surprised me by having gotten dressed.  Una was napping, and I had just sat down to read when Patty came out to slip on her shoes.

"Thanks for letting me shower, I'm going to head out.  Do you want me to bring anything home later?"

"Where are you going?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.

"I'm meeting up with someone at the dive bar," she replied, not directly looking at me, "But don't worry, " she added hastily, "I'll be back before it gets too late."

I rubbed the back of my neck, "Meeting someone?" I hedged, gently.

"Well yeah," Patty's tone held a defensive note to it.  She took a step back from me and met my gaze, "Yes Tom, I'm meeting someone."

I didn't have to ask exactly "who" this was.  Although I didn't know who she spoke of exactly, I knew this person wasn't Serena, her sister nor any of her friends.  If it were them, she would have simply said.  But I knew she referred to some man.

"Ho there," I spread my arms out in supplication, "Why do you feel compelled to go dating right now?  I would be glad to take you out, you've never told me you wanted to go out."

Patty frowned sorrowfully at me, "Tom, I want to go out - with someone else, someone I've been missing since . . ." her words faded and she had the audacity to blush.
"Since you got pregnant?" I offered in smart retort.  Her words about wanting to see someone else other than me made my blood run hot in my veins.  I don't love Patty, but that doesn't mean that my pride isn't wounded.  I've felt a form of loyalty to her as well because she had my child.  I gave up my relationship with Gertie because of her, I lost the one thing that had been my sole purpose in life.  In truth, I felt (and still feel) like I gave up everything for her, for Una.  She didn't seem to care to give me the same respect and this infuriated me.
"Patty this is ridiculous.  You've wallowed in this house, cried your share of tears in front of me and no doubt when I'm not here. And what's nearly worse is you won't talk to me.  I've tried as best I know how to help you but you shove me away.  And now . . . now you're going out with someone else? It hasn't been easy living with you, you know! It's been just as much a chore for me to come home after work and take care of a daughter you don't seem to have any interest in once I'm home.  I haven't necessarily had a blast in all this either. In fact, the only thing keeping me sane is that baby," I pointed behind me to the door.
Patty heaved a sigh, "Tom, don't get angry at me.  We haven't slept with each other - and I mean really slept with each other since I moved in.  And you said you weren't looking to settle down.  Well, neither am I and there's someone important to me that I want to see tonight.  I don't want to waste away here day after day taking care of a baby.  That's something you're better at.  So you stay here with Baby and let me get a break."
The way she said 'baby' like it was a sour taste in her mouth, and not even using her name made me snap. "Her name's Una!  And she's your daughter and if you never wanted her, you shouldn't have gotten pregnant."
Patty gasped, "That's a two-way street, Captain Calico!" she shouted back, taunting me with that ridiculous nick-name. "And no, I wasn't ready to have her - I'm still not!"
I threw up my hands, "Then what's keeping you here?"

Silence, and then I could hear Una begin to cry.  No doubt our raised voices had startled her.  

Patty's eyes sprung tears and her bottom lip trembled.  "I don't know anymore," her voice trembled.

My anger spent, my feelings raw, we stood in stalemate.  I didn't know what to say to her, nor her to me.  

Una's cries picked up momentum and that reminded me of my responsibility as a father.  I don't know why it didn't seem to remind Patty of her responsibility as a mother.  She stood firmly, almost as if she didn't hear Una crying, but I know she did.

"Go, then," was all I said, as I turned my back on her and headed for the bedroom.  I heard the door click dully in it's lock in Patty's parting.

My night with Una dragged.  As if she felt my anger and bottled emotions, she fussed through the evening.  She didn't take her bottles with the gusto she normally showed, she didn't want to be laid in her crib, but holding her and swaying with her didn't really make her feel better either.

I racked my brain for songs, but the only ones I knew didn't seem to be appropriate for a baby's ears.  I cannot remember the songs my mother sang if she had ever sung to me when I was young.  Not for the first time, I wished my mother hadn't died, that I had her guidance in this as I so desperately needed.

When Una finally gave up her own fight and fell asleep in my arms, I breathed a sigh of relief and laid her in her crib.  I kissed her warm cheek, tussled the tuft of hair that was beginning to spike from her head and decided to head to bed myself.

My head pounded with questions.  Was Patty coming back or did she walk out for good?  How would I care for Una when I had to work?  And if Patty came back, what could we say to each other?  I knew I wasn't prepared to apologize yet.

I didn't know I had ever fallen asleep until I sensed someone in the room.  The quiet shuffling and the telltale scent of acrid cigarette smoke made me realize Patty had come back after all.  I didn't open my eyes as I listened to her quietly change into her pajamas.

I was surprised when I felt the bed dip and Patty climb into bed beside me.  She sidled close, I wouldn't necessarily say she cuddled, and she whispered in my ear. "Tom?"

I debated about ignoring her and feigning sleep.  Curiosity won out. "What?" I whispered back.

A pause, she even held her breath.  "Let me stay a little longer,"

Longer? How long? Long enough for her to make plans, I suppose.  And what about the arguing? Would it stop, could things get better know that our end was in sight?  And what about Una?

"Tom?" Patty whispered.

I took a deep breath through my nose, and blew it out slowly through my mouth. "Fine, Patty." I said defeat.  

Though I was beyond tired, questions plagued me through the night.  My sleep was infrequent and broken up with dreams of life without Una, life with Gertie, my fear in loosing Una, but my peace with Patty gone . . . things that could have been but never will be . . .

~Tom Calico